back from lab back from trip

November 16, 2007

i was gone for a couple of days – on a trip to see my good friend. we had had a little trouble over nothing really. so that should be resolved. his (relatively) new boyfriend was there as well, and i met him for the first time now. they are a gooooorrrrgeous couple. wow! so, that was all very inspiring.

there was a little job i did as well and despite all the chaotic cirucmstances it ended up being a very interesting day all in all and lots of little moments of craze. anyway. more tomorrow.

o and this weekend something will happen. i can feel it.

for now, i should go running tomorrow morning and be off to sleep right now…


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November 13, 2007

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back from doc

November 13, 2007

things can happen in your life: you go for a check-up, you get a date ๐Ÿ™‚ we are going out for dinner and i think i should invite him. that’s the deal, i understand.ย  my doc (i call him pro) that is.
the other week, i went to have a look at a piece of furniture someone was selling on ebay. he lived in the area, so we arranged a time to meet. we ended up walking along the river bank, ending up trapped in a construction site where we had to climb a fence. after the ride back into town, i received two text messages from him asking me out for coffee the coming week. no worries: he had also told me that he had just got together with his new sexy brazilian boyfriend who was coming to stay with him four weeks later.

anyway… you absolutely just never really know what is lurking around the corner…

…or do you?

what a day ๐Ÿ™‚ sleep well

p.s. …off to lab tomorrow for immune stats (cd4+;VL).


a word on the public conception of hiv

November 13, 2007

the widespread conception of hiv is coined by the logo: HIV/AIDS.

as we are approaching world aids day on dec 1st, lots of images pop up in my head from the time before my first ever hiv-antibody test. obviously, you tend to care more about a topic if you become personally affected by it – not necessarily suddenly. sometimes, it is even a conscious decision to gradually change position, such as mine on smoking. it has changed radically. i will want to continue to be tolerant, though, and anyone may smoke in my flat – but not my bedroom, without my permission ๐Ÿ˜‰

consider another viral epidemic: one of my (girl-) friends has been worried about HPV and a number of recently published studies linking it to cervical cancer – if imperfeclty.

she was found to be hpv+.
(circumstances to be revealed upon reasonable request)

actually, i would love her to wear a t-shirt saying “I am HPV positive” … and see what it does to others’ perception of her and subsequently her perception of others.

becoming hiv+ forces you to “come out (of the closet)” yet again. imagine you had to go through outing yourself as homosexual once more, only worse. this time they think that you bring death. you are the host of an infectious and fatal disease.

maybe this is the kind of thing you would want to tell your dad… i’ve never told mine.

who are your friends? these people will say a lot about you, already… go tell them that you are hiv+ – just to see what happens! would you, please, and write about it? while i am still having second thoughts about it – quietly – as i will not have the negative tets result to back me up. but this is silly, i admit.

this friday i will have a word with a psychologist about all of this. see what he says! later today, i will consult another pro, who is a professor actually, about my state of health. i may let you know a couple of things, but there are such things as secrecy and trust ๐Ÿ˜‰

let me know how you would express your conception of someone telling you: i’m hiv+.

i remember my reaction to someone i saw in a club, whom i helped to get up after he had passed out on the ground just outside the back entrance of the club… later, he kissed me. only then did i see the red ribbon on his jacket. how honest!

are you hiv+ I hear myself asking… he nodded.

well, i unintentionally taught myself some of what i most needed to understand right there and then – but a few years later. i regret what i did. no, i didn’t hurt him -unless having been rejected by me did hurt him. but that is claiming a bit much…

i am also getting to know someone online – and yes, i have done it before. but this time, the guy is hiv+ himself.

so there is a date coming up.

don’t know if he’s hpv+ as well, or if he has hepatitis or cmv or some herpes viruses or ebv… co-infections can be more dangerous. but apparently, for hpv there is not even a test for men?!

and 80% of all women have got or will get infected with hpv at some stage anyway… and the rate of cervical cancer deaths has decreased dramatically following the years after the late 60s and their sexual revolution – even before the onset of hiv. possibly more women have regularly consulted their doc.

…which is what i shall do now.

talk to you later.


let’s get to know each other…

November 12, 2007

i was diagnosed with hiv a good year ago and i feel fine. not once have i been ill during the entire time, and that included a number of crazy nights ๐Ÿ™‚ i am asymptomatic. if this serves to dispel the notion of an hiv+ person looking, feeling and being sick and ugly rather than being out and about and having a good time, then a first step is taken.

i am not an AIDS patient, but yes, i am hiv+.

shit. why me…

as concerns this blog: there is work ahead on what i believe should become a kind of blog constitution to which everyone is invited to contribute constructively. much “blog-building” remains to be done.

so here are the first draft tenets:

ยง1) do not worry and do not be afraid.

ยง2) we are all guilty of something.

ยง3) this blog is totally and entirely independent of any interest other than that of its contributing members. all relevant and/or competing affiliations shall be announced or stated truthfully upon reasonable request.

ยง3) this blog is ferociously and single-mindedly intolerant of all obscenity, disrespect and abuse. there is freedom of speech as long as there is a conception of the blog as a meetingplace of ideas and there should not be attempts at undermining it.

ยง4) strictly NO ad hominems ! (as known from the establishment-denialist-debate (edd)) consider it a game with one rule: he who does it first, is out.

and so on and so forth… (to be continued)

hope that didn’t scare you off. next time more about my logo. check it. whaddyathink?



hiv inside – about this blog

November 11, 2007


to all of you out there in the far away spaces and places of the world-spanning web: welcome to this hiv blog. for starters: this is NOT a blog about the aetiology of aids, the hiv-aids hypothesis, its opposite, or indeed any other theory or viralmythology.


there are other blogs and pages offering more convincing and original thought on this matter than the present author ever could.

rather, this blog is about the life of a young hiv+ man who casually reports on events, stuff, aspects, issues and dimensions of real and surreal everday life that can occur if you are in his spot.

i will try to keep you posted two to three times a week at least, but please bear with me if, at times, i will not. you’re not losing me all that quickly.

of course, once you are hiv+, this is on the forefront of your mind pretty much all of the time. and if not, it is there subconsciously. for example, these days, i have been thinking about a new pension plan…

i think i should definitely get one, because they have reason to expect that i will never need it anyway ๐Ÿ™‚ – life insurance excluded. should i get a discount on the penion plan?

what about a potential future boyfriend… hmmm… and it’s not as if there weren’t a few candidates out there ๐Ÿ˜‰

so yes, hiv runs like a thread of guidance and confusion through this entire blog. for those of you who are more familiar with what i am talking about, as well as to all of those who simply take an interest in what moves the random hiv+ positive guy as he goes about his day: join in.

let us go then, you and i… (T.S. Eliot)

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